a message to those who can’t control themselves and insist to help unnecessarily
Pretty darn certain this is gonna happen real soon.
You know what, maybe it’s time these people realised that not everyone who seems to need help actually needs it. Just because someone doesn’t seem to live the way you live doesn’t mean that he needs help. Not everyone wants to ‘talk’ their feelings out, especially not with people like you. He only speaks and shares with people he trusts. And if you’re not one of them, for goodness sake, just leave.
Yet people like you still choose to lurk around and pounce whenever you can. Like annoying little leeches that wants to suck him dry.
You need to learn to let go because the tighter you cling on, the further you drive away the person you want to help.
Just learn to back off. Your services are no longer needed.
"When you look in the mirror every day, you recognise yourself, but when you go back and look at a photo of yourself 20 years ago you say, ‘Wow, I really have changed.’"
This is exactly what happened a few days ago as I chanced upon some photos of myself from 4 years ago. The sense of “I’ve changed” that I felt wasn’t the good kind. It was filled with disbelief and disgust. How did I even live with myself looking like that, being like that. I shall not elaborate any further.
I see how much I’ve changed, a lot in the past 4 years, and much more in the past few months alone. I probably never thought I would ever be where I am today,what can I say, the future is unpredictable.
Whatever lies ahead of me in the next few months, let’s hope things start to change for the better as everyone probably hopes it will.
I am probably not referring to the topic that you think I am. It runs deeper beneath the surface.
Looking at the exam schedule, I am pretty certain that the next 3 weeks is going to fly by. Before I know it, this national exam that I entered this institution to take will be over. I would not be able to make any more changes even if I wanted to. This is it. The end.
I cannot fully understand what I am feeling. Is it feelings of defeat, of hopelessness, of resignation to my apparent fate. Or is it just that I am at peace, knowing that it is not about what I do or what I have done. I hope it’s the latter but no one knows. I guess I will find out next year won’t I?
When your mind is split into two, where the 2 sides are polar opposites and their beliefs are in total contradiction, it isn’t very enjoyable. But I suppose, after dealing with this for quite long, you just learn to live with it, or try to suppress one side in order to preserve your own sanity.
Got back most of my results for prelims except for Econs and GP P1. Surprisingly, I think this might just be my best set of results since I stepped into MJC.
Math: I failed math all the way since J1. I hated math so much and I didn’t really like my teachers either. It was such a pain. During the parent-teacher meeting, to please my mom I told her I’ll aim for a B. But in the weeks leading up to prelims, I was so ready to fail. To cut a long story short, I got a C for Math. For P2, I got 71/100. That’s crazy. I couldn’t even pass math and now I get a A for a paper. And to make this even more amazing, I only studied for 2 hours for this paper. If you can’t see that it’s all Jesus, I don’t know what to say.
GP: Paper 2 was always my weaker component out of the two, I never got above 30/50. My marks usually range about 22-25ish. I just figured that my reading skills sucks and I can’t ever understand what I’m reading. But this time, not only did i get above 30, I got a really high 30ish score of 38/50. Who the heck ever gets 38/50? No one. I was in utter shock.
Biology: I did like bio but i never really got any good grades. Ever since last year, I’ve been getting S and Us. For mid years I got U which i was semi shocked about but it allowed me to stay in Miss Teong’s class which was good! For Prelims, i got B. That’s like a 5 grade jump which is crazy. I was probably the top 4 in the H1 Bio cohort of (30+ students).
Chemistry: I got an E. Which is a slight improvement from my S and Us. I’m definitely more confident in Chemistry now and I know what I need to brush up on for A levels.
By the way, I’m not saying all these things to boast about my intelligence and grades at all. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate talking about my studies cos I really suck at it. It affects me so much to the point that if I talk about it, I’ll cry. So that’s why I avoid the conversation topic of studies at all costs. The improvement in my results is definitely not because of what I did. ( I spent my september holidays slacking and barely studying at all).
This shows me how gracious Daddy God is. And I think He knew that I needed this boost to drive me onto A levels. Without the boost I would probably be wallowing in self pity everyday. For the supposedly most difficult examination in JC, Daddy chose to bless me this way.
All hope isn’t lost, not when you have DaddyGod on your side. When you least expect it, when you least deserve it, it’ll come like a mighty wave.
"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.” -Exodus 14:14 (AMP)
I have never thought so much about my future than I did in the past 2 weeks. Maybe the fact that it’s so close by that makes me think about it all the time. It’s so close yet so far, between me and that freedom is one huge exam, A levels.
Just 21 days of examinations and I’m done, I’ll be free from this hellhole (ok, it wasn’t that bad all the time) that I’ve been stuck in for the past 2 years. I guess I’m thankful it wasn’t three.
Whether it was the immediate future after A levels or 6,8,10 years in the future. I think about it everyday. Every single day without fail. I dream and dream that I get distracted from what I supposed to do.
So close yet so far.
On another note, today was a strange day. Had this crazy headache since yesterday and I thought sleeping last night would help. Woke up this morning and it hurt more than ever. It was like a motion sickness kind of feeling. My brain was being compressed and I felt like vomiting. I tried making myself vomit but it failed. Probably because I hadn’t eaten anything. All i could do was lie horizontally. I was absolutely miserable. So at 1pm in the afternoon, i forced myself to sleep on the floor as it drizzled outside. And I played some worship recordings as well. When I woke up, I felt so better and my appetite was back! I don’t know why I’m telling you this.
(ps. I spent my day watching Zoella and Louise’s videos so when i typed this entire post, it was in a british accent believe it or not.)
So you know how people say that as long as you don’t give up, you’ve won half the battle? Well no one ever told me that the remaining half of the battle will be so freaking difficult. It’s like the difficulty level increases exponentially. This is ridiculous
More than half the week is gone and I pretty much screwed myself over. Cs and Bs for prelims? Pretty unlikely outcome. Gg to me for prelims.
Maybe I already gave up studying without even realising it.
I feel like I need to do something else right now. Something as crazy as chopping off my long hair without really telling anyone about it. I wanna do something now. Sadly for me, hair doesn’t grow back that fast. I have to find another thing to do. Oh what shall it be… HAHA, what I just thought of it completely not encouraged. Let’s try not to entertain that thought lest I be stoned…. But maybe one day I’ll do it. been thinking about it recently.
For now, let’s hope the need to do something crazy can hold off till camp comes.
When I typed my previous post a couple of days back, i talked about Good Success at the end. While doing so, I just felt like I wanted to have a full post dedicated to it. I guess that’s why I didn’t publish it till many days later because I thought I’d rather have this post up online instead of the previous, jumbled up one.
Well I finally got around to typing this and here I am. The post will probably be pretty lengthy, read on if you’re interested.
This is something that almost everyone in the world spend their lives trying to achieve. It carries a different meaning for everyone. To a young child, success could be learning how to stand up and walk. For a student, success would equate to good results and for a working business man, it would be earning more money. We all have our personal definitions of success. Maybe all definitions of it are right, but ever wondered what God’s definition of success is?
Strong’s Hebrew Lexicon:
SUCCESS —> Sakal (H7919)
- to act circumspectly and hence intelligent
the Brown-Driver-Briggs’ Hebrew Definition has a more comprehensive explanation of what Sakal means
1. to be prudent, be circumspect, wisely understand, prosper a. (Qal) to be prudent, be circumspect b. (Hiphil) 1. to look at or upon, have insight 2. to give attention to, consider, ponder, be prudent 3. to have insight, have comprehension 1b c. insight, comprehension (subst) 1. to cause to consider, give insight, teach 1b d. the teachers, the wise 1. to act circumspectly, act prudently, act wisely 2. to prosper, have success 3. to cause to prosper
What’s my purpose of showing you all these definitions? Simply for you to see that God’s definition of success need not necessarily be the same as that of the world’s.
In the bible, my favourite person to read about on success would be Joseph.
I’m sure you know his story, betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, tempted by Potiphar’s wife, becoming the 2nd most powerful man in Egypt and finally being reunited with his family.
Many would say that Joseph only achieved success in the 2nd half of his life when he became the 2nd most powerful man after Potiphar himself, but according to the bible, Joseph was already a success way before that. Even when he was in prison, he was already deemed by God as a success.
Genesis 39: 1-4
1 Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. And Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him down there. 2 The Lord was with Joseph, and he was a successful man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian. 3 And his master saw that theLord was with him and that the Lord made all he did to prosper in his hand. 4 So Joseph found favor in his sight, and served him. Then he made him overseer of his house, and all that he had he put under his authority.
That’s crazy ain’t it? Imagine yourself in prison and I come up to you and tell you “Hey, you’re a successful man/woman!”. You’re going to think I’m crazy (some already do, but that’s not the point). Yet that’s exactly what is happen in the bible. Here Joseph is, just thrown in jail, and yet it says that He was a successful man.
"The Lord was with Joseph, and he was a successful man.” Why was he successful? Simply because the Lord was with him.
Since the Lord was with him, Joseph had insight into situations (this is probably why he was able to interpret Potiphar’s dreams), he acted prudently and wisely (fleeing the temptation of Potiphar’s wife), and whatever he was tasked to do prospered (Egypt had enough food to last through the famine).
Likewise, when the Lord is with you, He gives you the wisdom and favor that you need and as long as you have Wisdom and Favor, you’re automatically a successful man/woman. Without even realising, your actions and behaviour is already that of a successful person.
So maybe it’s time for all of us to realise that maybe to the world, we do not fit into their definition of success because we failed our O levels, have a failed business, aren’t living in a huge mansion and isn’t happily married with children. So what? Do you want to live your life chasing after what the world deems is good, what they deem as success or would you rather just live in and enjoy the success that you already have by virtue of that fact that you have Jesus with you?
Man’s word will eventually fall to the ground. As the world continues to progress, things change and so do their definitions. The world’s definition of success is always going to change, there’s always something new that you must have to be recognised as a success. I dare say that if ever enter and ‘finish’ the race of achieving success, you’ll still be as unhappy and unsatisfied as you were before considering that there’s always something else that you want to have. So are you just going to be in this rat race your whole life?
I hope you don’t. Why not, live by God’s definition of success, it’s easy and light. You don’t have to do anything because He gives you the power to succeed.
Bringing this full circle, why did I talk about success in the first place? (don’t worry, I have not forgotten the purpose of my post.)
In spite of whatever the world may say, I know that I am already a success. Regardless of whatever results I may get back next week, whether I promote, advance or retain, I still believe that I am a good success in Jesus. He has already made me a good success regardless of my situation.
I guess it is indeed easier to say this now as I haven’t got back the results and been faced with the reality of the situation. But if i don’t even bother proclaiming what I want to see in my life now, when else am I ever going to? Speak forth what you want to see and it shall come to past in your life.
Going by the definition quoted earlier, I have seen the success that He has given me during this Promo Exam period.
I had a supernatural insight and knowing as to what needed to be covered and what wasn’t as important
I was able to understand topics and grasp concepts that I could not before and struggled for months with
those to me are already good enough for me. But I’m pretty sure He has much more in store for me :D
Time to realise that you already are a success now in spite of your situation.
Just as Joseph had good success at every point of his life, it is the same for you. Don’t postpone the enjoyment of your life or believe that you can only succeed after doing this and that.
YOU HAVE GOOD SUCCESS AND THAT IS FINAL!
This post has gotten a little too long, I won’t be surprised if many of you didn’t make it all the way! haha!
God Bless, May his Grace, Favor, Wisdom and shalom Peace me multiplied to you
Well, I’m back to just pen down (or rather, type out) some of my thoughts.
Promotional Examinations just ended today. To a certain extent, it does seem surreal. The very exams that I’ve spent the past 8 months studying for is actually over.
Looking back, I feel that this year has just flown by, ridiculously fast. I still remember going back to my secondary school to collect my O level results and I remember entering my College for the first time. And now, in a blink of an eye, the academic year is almost coming to an end (actually maybe not, have about 1+ months left).
Spending the past 8 months preparing for this exam, seems kind of crazy doesn’t it? Now it begs of question of whether I’ve put in my absolute best for the different subjects. Well, the answer to that question would probably have to be no. I guess I merely did my best that I could in the past few weeks but surely not the whole year.
All the results will probably be out by the end of next week and by then, I would find out whether I would need to stay back another year or not. I don’t really know what to expect but I’m just trusting Daddy that He will give me good results simply because He loves me.
If I could rid all the judgement and stigma that comes along with being retained, I probably would opt to just do so. I would much rather have one more year to give myself a solid foundation that will surely help me in J2. If that extra one year can give me the straight As, I don’t see why not.
In spite of all the negativity about JC life, I am thankful that I had this 8-month journey here. Tough times came and left, feelings of being defeated, feelings of giving up on life all came. Sometimes one came at a given time, others like a great crashing tsunami that threatens to overwhelm and drown you mercilessly. It was a daily battle that one had no choice but to face. You learn to take one day at a time and start to be thankful for getting through each day.
Day in day out you’re surround with people who really have nothing better or edifying to say about their lives except “die la, sure fail, sure retain”. And sometimes, even without your own knowing, you get sucked into the same hell hole as everyone else and you start to believe what they say.
This is probably why it is important to guard your eye gate and ear gate, For what you listen to and see will eventually affect your thinking and beliefs.
To close, let’s talk about success. Success to the world could be paper qualifications, straight As and a seemingly unlimited amount of money to spend.
But for me, I choose a different path of a different belief. I already have had GOOD SUCCESS this exam period. My GOOD SUCCESS = being stress free.
I wasn’t worried, stressed, anxious about my promos. It was a really restful period and I just did revision not out of a heart of “omg, I don’t have enough time”, but instead “relax, Jesus guides my revision and I will study the right things”. And it is true, the things i study for do come out. Every step of the way was so restful for me.
So without even getting my results back, I can declare that I already have GOOD SUCCESS during this exam period.
this post is pretty jumbled up, just random thoughts here and there. I guess I just needed to clear my head
This post was written on Thursday night, before my 2 papers on friday. I didn’t want to publish it just then, but I guess I’m publishing it now.
This is just a little insight into my life I guess.
Well, 3 papers down, 4 more to go in the next 3 school days.
Today was Econs, Monday was GP. Tomorrow are the two Cs that I didn’t fair well for in Secondary school, Chemistry and Chinese. More worried for chemistry though. Failed really badly for Mid-years.
May the same fate not befall this time around, I know you have made my results good, results that I can be proud of. Results that I will know cannot be by my own abilities but solely cos you showered Your Grace and Favor upon me.
I will continue to pray in tongues to keep myself from worrying. Keeping your word in my mouth day and night helps me to not adopt the world’s way of worrying and cramming moments before the exam.
Econs paper today was really good. During assembly, many were still trying to cram stuff but I stood there, feeling at rest. There was a moment where I did give in and asked what they were talking about because I didn’t even read that part of the notes. But then i figured, my revision has be blessed and is set apart, so whatever happens, no need to worry.
And it’s true, all the things i studied for came out, and those that I didn’t, didn’t come out. No need to stress last minute just cos I didn’t cover a certain chapter. Continuing to trust that all my revision is set apart. I am set apart. And now i conquer just as David did when he conquered Goliath.
He did it knowing that You had his back, likewise, I face my exams knowing You have my back and you love me too much to see me suffer and struggle.
Parting verse for the night
Isaiah 43:18-19 (MSG)
"Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.”
2012 : Since You have brought me this far, You will be faithful to bring me to the end.
I just thought that maybe it’s time to revive my tumblr (for awhile).
(this is the 2nd time i’m writing this post cos I carelessly forgot to save it as a draft last night, but I believe it was a good reason so that I’ll be able to think through what I want to say.)
This photo was made for my by a dear friend of mine, Adeline.
Though it was made slightly over a month ago, the message still holds true. The coming days may be tiring and draining in every way but I believe that Jesus has given me the strength to laugh without fear of my future. This means that it shall be good, everything that my hands touch shall prosper and the words I speak won’t return to be void. Whatever happens after 2nd October I will still choose praise you Jesus.
Since You have brought me this far, You will be faithful to bring me to the end.
For those whom I have shared with would have known that this year, 2012 was probably the most difficult year I have faced thus far. Okay, well maybe not the whole of 2012, mainly the first half of it. The first 6 months was a constant roller coaster. Actually it was not a roller coaster cos roller coasters have “up” moments. I had close to none. The first 6 months was, for the lack of better words, hell for me. Countless times I felt like giving up on myself, on school, on church and on life itself. The truth is that I had never felt more alone than I did in those 6 months. I could be surrounded by many people who knew me but I still felt out of place and alone. Life was just bleak then, I saw no way out and beat myself up for making the choices I did. There were those who tried to help but the problems had rooted itself so well into my belief that humanly speaking it was impossible to change. I was a broken individual from the inside out.
The pain I felt and the tears I cried only DaddyGod knows.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." - Psalms 56:8
You may say that I’m being a pathetic whimp who can’t even handle a little bit of stress but hey, this is my life not yours. The feelings and emotions I felt were real to me.
Turning point came during the Legacy Camp 2012 in Malaysia. Many have commented on how the camp wasn’t as good as the previous ones but I beg to differ. This camp for me was the BEST camp I had ever attended.
Humanly speaking, it shouldn’t have been a good camp because I was going there with a bunch of strangers (didn’t get to know them in the first 5 odd months), without the friends I’ve had by my side for the past 4 years. But I guess it was just that that made this camp so much better. This time around, I went to the camp with DaddyGod, and I just had nothing else to do but to trust Him that He’ll change things around. This year, the tables were turned this time, I didn’t go to camp with my friends to meet God there, I went to camp with Him and Him alone and maybe in the process make some new friends in CG .
And all I can say was that in those 4 days, DaddyGod had healed me of the brokenness and loneliness that I had been haunting me for the past 5-6 months.
As every story goes, there is a happy ending. It’s not that things got easier as the year went on, in fact, things got much harder. But this time I wasn’t alone anymore, I had the one Man I needed right beside me every step of the way. He gave me the strength, the wisdom and the favour I needed to fight the battles.
The realisation and knowing that you’re always love by Someone does something to you. You start feeling that because this person believes in you, you may just be able to conquer this problem, and that problem and the one after that. I guess this is what John 4:18 means when it says “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.”
Life is a battle, it’s a road of discovery but most importantly, it’s an adventure.
In life, everybody wants the answers. Even I find myself looking for answers from people older than me, from those who have walked through a similar journey. This probably stem from the fear of the uncertain future. At times I do manage to catch myself in the act and I remind myself, I am here to live my own life together with the Lord, where will the fun be if I already knew all the answers to everything?
Whatever happens from here onwards, Jesus you be the centre, the one who holds everything together.
In closing, I’ll share a verse that I’ve held onto for the past few weeks
Isaiah 43:1-4 (MSG)
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.”
God Bless, May his Grace and shalom Peace me multiplied to you
“Be the type of Christian that, even if you don’t carry your Bible around, even if you don’t wear an “I love Jesus” shirt, even if you don’t tell anybody that you’re a Christian, it will be so evident in your actions and the way that you love others that you are.”—Anonymous (via dianabishay)
I don’t know whether I’m making the right decisions, whether I’m making the right choices. I keep telling myself that I’m in control, that I’m doing the right thing. But to be honest, I don’t know whether it’s true. Am I just trying to convince myself? Am I being stubborn and strong willed? What happens when I realized that I’ve been lying to myself all this while and my decisions end up causing things to become worse? What do I do then. Say I’m sorry and hope to move on. Will it work? People say that there is always a too late for everything, too late to turn back time, too late try to make amends.
Oh Lord Jesus, guide my actions, lead me to make the right decisions at the right time. Guard my heart with your peace that can never be shaken. Man can question and chide but my trust and faith in you shall never fade. All of you, none of me my Lord.
Why hello Abby! Just read the “letter to my future self #1” and I felt inspired to write a second one now.
How have you been? How old are you now? Well, I’m 16 now. The Eve of Chinese New Year is tmr. It’s 1st February now. Chinese New Year is coming and I’m pretty excited! Well just like any other kid, excited for the money. HAHAHA!
First things first, how tall are you now? Are you still 169? Or have you finally reached you target height of 171cm, i really hope you did. I’ve always wanted to be that tall for quite awhile now. Are you above 50kg now? Please be at least below 55kg if your younger than 20. Anyway if you are heavier, it’s okay!
This year, 2011, if your O Level Year, I guess I’m pretty worried about it but I don’t know why, for some reason, I assume that a long as I keep on consistently studying, I will get my 6A1s! AMEN!
Well at the age of 16, your family has had the ‘tradition’ of watching the Locally produced Chinese New Year Movie. I wonder if you’re still doing it now. It’s really fun, I love watching those movies cos it never fails to make me laugh.
How are you now? In. JC or Uni? There’s some new Medical University opening in the next yes or two, I think you can study there, from whist I’ve read, it’s a pretty prestigious College. There are only 2 careers that your 16 year old self wants to do:
I hope you’re at least working towards on of those.
Still in touch with your Secondary School Friends? One of them Said that you look like one of those who wont keep in contact with them. I hope you did, if you didn’t, go do it now. Hahahah!
How’s your new CG? Are they cool? How’s your CGL. PLEASE DONT FORGET HOUR EX DGL, JAY. he’s amazing. Best leader in the whole world. Hahaha!no kidding.
Anything significant/specials happening in your life or new future? Well for now, you just found out 2 days ago that Nisha’s getting married on the 19 NOV. I’m pretty excited about it. How are they doing now? Definitely happily married! Any kids? Are they cute?
Oh and did you ex-English Teacher+DARE level overseer name her daughter after you? What’s her name?
Oh yes! VERY IMPORTANT! You and your DG went all the way to your DGL’s house to give him birthday surprise and we also gave him a photo album with all our photos of the DG + individual photos. Please go ask him whether he still has it and ask him to let you see it. I’m sure it will bring back so many amazing memories with your DG and how much fun you guys had. Please ask him to show it to you. Btw, is he married?!
I’m pretty sure the church is HUGE now! Like 5000000 people! Hahaha, singapore’s population isn’t even that big. Hahaha! But I’m sure you get what I mean. There are a lot of things that I wanna say to you but they are already in the first letter. Go and read it, it’s probably 10-12 pages back.
Okay Abby, I’m really tired. Need to go get some work done.
tomorrow will the first time i take a plane ride without my family. I’m kind of excited but yet it seems like i’m going away for a really long time. I know that it’s only for one full week, but I’ll be missing 2 Sunday Services. that’s a lot. Oh wells. Daddy I know that you have made everything awesome! whoo!
Just finished updating my iPhone. it’s time to sleep. Goodnight fellow tumblers.